Thursday, June 6, 2013

Dear Guy Who Thought I was Pregnant

Photo by Wikimedia Commons

Throwback Thursday to when I wrote this when I was working as a hostess at a restaurant about a year ago. Obviously, I was very angry. Good times. 

Dear Guy Who Thought I was Pregnant,

Guess what? I'm not. No, I am not having a boy or a girl, because I am in fact having nothing. Nothing is coming out of my vagina; if anything I am the exact opposite of pregnant. But, stranger who so graciously asked me this at a bar, let me clue you in on the number one rule that you should never say to girls and women in general: DO NOT ASK IF SHE IS PREGNANT!

They should forbid people from asking women if they are pregnant or not, seriously it should be a fucking law. It's really simple guys- if you aren't sure, then DON'T ASK. Unless she has a very profound, very distinguished baby bump, or unless she looks like she is so prego she is about to have an eggo right then and there any second, then don't ask! I really can't stress it enough.

In what world do strangers think that they can just ask someone that they have never had a conversation with before and ask if they are having a baby? Is that the new conversation starter that I wasn't aware of? Do I have "Please ask me something personal about my life" written on my forehead? I don't understand the logic, I really don't.

Now, if you already did make this egregious mistake (which you did) and already asked her and she responds with "no," please do not come up with the delightful follow-up question: "Really?" As if she is lying to you. Nope, I actually like to pretend that I am not pregnant when I really am all the time, so please second guess my already firm answer that no, I am indeed not pregnant.

After that, nothing could ever redeem you from ever being the most moronic asshole that has ever walked across the face of this earth. You have made your bed. Please lie in it and never wake up. I am livid. I am also 22, recently graduated and therefore in no position to raise or have a baby, thank you for asking. Oh yeah, and I am not overweight and am considered at the normal BMI for my height and age. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Not to mention that I haven't even grazed the surface of self-image issues and societal female objectification yet. Guys think it's funny when they mistake a girl as being pregnant when it is anything but. To that girl it is an automatic trigger to question her weight and appearance and all of her insecurities. You wonder why so many girls have weight issues, or are anorexic or bulimic, but society pins them to be that way because of the enormous pressure that they put on women to be nothing less than perfect.

You can say that it's the same for guys, but it really isn't. It isn't even close. Men can't be pregnant– that isn't the same insult for them. They don't have to go through being insecure about their body when they are pregnant, or go through the battle of losing weight after the baby, or getting rid of stretch marks. They will never understand what that's like for women; their bodies are simply not the same. So while this may seem like a joke to you, and that I am the one that is taking it all too seriously, I want you to understand that this is a big deal to me. That that one question has served to ruin my entire night and it wasn't even worth it. I know that.

All in all, just don't ever ask girls if they are pregnant again. Just don't .You will be saving a lot of women out there a lot of hissy fits, meltdowns and possibly even eating disorders if you not ask. Also, you are not welcome in this bar establishment ever again– you imbecile.

Not Pregnant

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