Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A pep talk for my vagina

Vertical foot pedals utilized during pap smears...doesn't look very pleasant, does it?

Hey there you doin'? While we're in the waiting room (probably for the next hour and half), I figured I would take this commercial break from watching Dr. Oz to talk to you for a bit. Listen, pap smears are horrible— that's not an opinion; it's a fact. Believe it or not, they are uncomfortable for both you and me.

I don't enjoy opening you up to some brawny woman in a lab coat and a Russian accent. I don't like propping my feet up on those vertical foot pedals and waiting for the long dreaded moment where she sticks that mystery metal poker in you any more than you do! Not to mention that god forsaken paper "dress." I don't care what country you're from, but that shit is not a dress. How do I know this? Number one: it's a two-piece. Number two: the bottom part is less of a skirt and more of a tablecloth for your lap. It's almost impossible to cover up even 50% of your body in that contraption. Yes, yes, I understand that the doctor needs to be able to do a breast exam and the pap, but can't they give me a robe instead? At least you can imagine we're at the spa where people get rubbed, not poked.

Anyways, the point is: I feel you. I know you've been anxious the last couple of weeks leading up to this day, and I don't blame you. I've always been nervous at this time of the year too. I know I haven't made it easier on you either— all that joking about getting a bikini wax after the procedure, and calling the pap "the exorcism of my vagina,"...I'm sorry—that was uncalled for. I guess it was just me trying to make fun of a situation that is less than pleasant. I know you suffer the brunt of the blow, but I get some of the pressure too.

What with the super invasive questions that the nurse likes to fire in rapid succession: "How many partners have you had in the last six months?", "Do you have anal sex?", "Do you do drugs?", "Have you ever been depressed?", "Do you have more than one partner that you've had sex at one time?", "What other questions can I ask so that I can judge you and your life choices?"

As if I needed another reason to remind myself I need to get laid...

On the bright side though— if everything looks like butterflies and roses in there, we don't have to do this again until two years later this time! We just have to get through this together— it'll be really fast and quick, I promise, like taking off a band-aid! You ready? Great, the nurse just called my name.

One can only hope that the gynecologist won't say, "Relax your vagina" this time. 


  1. In France we don't even have the paper "dress", we're (half) naked. I actually don't really see the point of the "paper dress", is that to get warmer? To hide the disgusted face of the gynaecologist?

  2. Re: questions

    Why don't you just answer "what is your point?"
    or "None of your business."
    or "hug?"
    or "42"