Monday, February 25, 2013

My Oscars Acceptance Speech

My man, Oscar. Photo by Dave_B_ on Flickr

Oh, you haven't heard? I was the talk of the show last night. After winning Best Actress for Memoirs of a Geisha Two: Full Throttle by a landslide, I was rushed onstage by my fellow costars: Lucy Lui, Tom Cruise (remember when he played a samurai that one time?) and Jackie Chan. I blew a kiss to my director (Ang Lee, of course), and proceeded to give a speech that I managed to memorize beforehand and thus did not need the help of a folded up napkin. The speech reads:

Ladies and gentlemen of the academy, I thank you for acknowledging that I am indeed the best of the best. I can now store this naked trophy of a man in the space that I carved out of my front door months ago. You see, I always knew that I was destined for greatness. Ever since I was five and that monk told me I was a stubborn lass, since I was 18 and already restless, and since I was 22 and sharing an one-bedroom studio apartment with two other people. "This couldn't just be it," I told myself then. And I'm telling you now– "This isn't it." There's way more that life has to offer you, but you just have to take the opportunity. Sure, you might fail, but at least you can say that you tried! Yes, I'm talking to you other nominees that I beat (Natalie Portman, Angelina Jolie, and Dakota Fanning). 

Now I know I should probably start thanking people since they are about to cue that god awful music any moment now, so here it goes: a big thanks to my wise and all-knowing direcetor, Ang Lee. You've taught me so much about my Asian culture that I have decided that with this victory, I am going to adopt a Vietnamese child come next year (watch out, Brangelina!). I would like to thank my mother, who has seen me grow up from that mute outsider in sixth grade, to a woman on the red carpet (given, E! is probably going to have something dreadful to say about my dress tomorrow). And finally, I would like to thank all the women who have inspired, mentored, advised and encouraged me along the way– I couldn't have done it without your guidance. 

Oh, and just one last thing...isn't it high time that they stop segregating the Oscars by sex, anyway? Can we just have a category that is Best Actor...period? "Actor" meaning men and women? Alright, that's it for Lisa Huynh, peace and blessings ya'll!

P.S.: This really did not happen last, night but is a premonition of an actual Academy Awards speech that will happen circa 2027. You heard it first here.

For some other stunning and memorable speeches, watch Frances McDormand kick ass, Kate Winslet gush over her dad whistling from the audience, Reese Witherspoon talking about being a "real woman," and Jodie Foster before her coming out Golden Globes speech.

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