Monday, January 21, 2013

The Best of Craigslist: Issue IV

What the Craigslist? I know– it's been a while, but here's the finest off America's favorite website. Next time, I'm doing a strictly platonic one. Or maybe missed connections. Let's face it, both are equally entertaining. 

Looking for Erotic Writer

I am looking to hire an erotic writer for a series of short stories (3-5 pages in length) that will be just for me. E-mail me back for more details, if you have a sample, and what you will be charging- I look forward to it! 

One, 3-5 pages isn't really enough to develop a story. They would all just be stories about one-night stands. Which maybe is all he/she needs, but wouldn't that get old after a while? Two, haven't you heard about Siren Publishing yet? They have free samples that basically are equivalent to three pages, since that's all you need! And they are rated anywhere from "Scorching" to "Sextreme." Yeah, you're welcome.

Looking for a nice person that is exelent with file organizing and hase a nice heand righting to help me
Organize fils in my apartment and right life plan nice and local piople only please send head shot and
let me know you experience..

Have a Good Day!!! 

"Excellent" is spelled wrong. So is is "has." And "handwriting." And "files." And pretty much every other word so I lost track of what you are even asking for in this advertisement. Upon rereading it and ignoring the spelling errors, why would you need a headshot of someone that is just going to organize your files? Maybe you should just reevaluate your priorities and hire a copy editor instead.

Have a Spell Check Day!!!

We are looking for a person who is passionate about supplements and male enhancement to write content and make videos about different male enhancement products.

If you like to write and like to experiment with different male enhancement pills, you could be the person we are looking for.

The position requires you to post video reviews and submit a lot of content with good usable advice on male enhancement.

To apply:

Please write a short paragraph about why you are the right person for this job.
tell us a little about your experience writing and making videos - the videos you make will very basic most just talking about the product.
Attach your resume

Pay starts at $15 an hour but can quickly be bumped up to $20 per hour in less then a month if you show you can get results. Raises from there are also consistent and come quickly.

However, this is not the position for someone who "Just wants a job". This is for the person who want to come to work because they enjoy doing what they do and they are confident in their ability to make things happen without being managed or having someone "making sure they are working".

I never thought that being "passionate about supplements and male enhancement" was a thing to do. Or was acceptable. Usually it's more like "I'm passionate about writing," ... or architecture, or even collecting salt and pepper shakers, but male enhancement? You are basically agreeing to be a lab rat by applying to this position, but what do I know? Maybe you have a micro-penis? That would probably motivate me to do it.

Also, it's comical to me that this is a position that you can get pay raises in and move up. By reviewing male enhancements. This doesn't sound very healthy– what if you take too many and you end up have too large of a penis? Have you seen that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha meets a guy who has an elephantitis penis and she tried to have sex with him but it was just TOO big?

You might end up like that guy.

Handjob Queens wanted...$$ (Los Angeles)

Fetish site is looking for females who are skilled in giving handjobs to males, pay is very lucrative and no faces will be shown. Looking for all types of females, 18+, all races, body sizes.

If interested please reply with any experience and headshots and body shots, as well as contact info.

Shooting of scenes will begin in two weeks, we need 5 females.

Who actually gives handjobs anymore? Isn't that a little high school? I feel like handjobs are just for guys to do alone in the bathroom or watching porn, or as foreplay. You can't serve an appetizer for the main dish; everyone would just get really disappointed.

School Formal!!!!!!!! (los angeles, CA)

HELP! my schools formal is coming up and i no longer have a date!!!! i'm looking for a tall handsome guy that likes brownies!!! must be between 14-17 and in high school!!!!! IF YOU PLAY VOLLEYBALL THAT'S A PLUS!!!! PLEASE BE AT LEAST 5' 11"

i will pay you with cat tails or money


""""""""""""""IF I APPROVE OF YOU THEN I WILL GIVE YOU MORE DETAILS"""""""""""""""""

This is a little sad. But honey, if you go to the school formal with some random guy you met on Craigslist, it's not exactly going to be a scene out of A Cinderella Story either. I went solo to my junior prom. Shit was a blast. Or you could just go by what Brittany said on Glee: "So I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance. Then all of your dates are going to ignore you and dance with me. So your dates are really my dates."

It might not make you really popular with the girls, but hey– maybe the boys.
Also, I don't think that your requirements are very realistic or practical. Why does the guy need to like brownies? What the hell does that have to do with the formal? Is it perhaps brownie themed? Please don't say you are baking a stranger brownies before prom, although that would be a sweet gesture (pun intended). And WHAT do you mean you will pay them in cat tails? As in this?

Photo by Wikimedia Commons

or this? 

Photo by Wikimedia Commons

Either way, I'd definitely pay them with the money option instead. 

Happy MLK day! 

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