Thursday, December 13, 2012

Death to Bras


Photo via Wikimedia Commons.


I hate bras. I hate their straps that fall off my shoulders, their clasps that dig into my back, their cups that ride up my chest, and their wires that make leftover indentions; I hate everything about them. The only redeeming quality that bras have is that they boost my preteen, flat chest to at least look proportionate to the rest of my body. Other than that, they are useless to me. I am not telling everyone to practice radical, second wave feminism by burning their bras in a burning campfire (which is actually a myth), I just think that every woman is allowed an allotted time slot in their lives to rant about the things that they hate, but are stuck with.

I am choosing to be kind to the readers and not go into the bloody massacre that goes on every month, annual trips to the exorcist (otherwise known as the gynecologist), or plethora of products that it takes to make a face look "beautiful" according to society's standards. Instead, I will simply dedicate my rant to bras.

First off, I have no earthly clue why an undergarment such as a bra should cost so much as $45. If the majority of the population is not even going to see your bra, then why spend a fourth of your paycheck on 32 inches of fabric and wires? They don't even have a long life span, because goodness knows if it can survive the washing machine since it always has the most complicated cleaning instructions. The most a bra should cost is $20. It should not cost more than a shirt or top. I mean, let's be logical- those pieces of clothing are actually the ones that people see.

Secondly, there is overwhelming taboo on visibility of bras for something that takes up only the upper portion of your body. Goodness knows if your bra is peeking out, if the pattern is showing or see-through. People start to freak out or worse, tuck you in like a strict parent covering up their trashy, school-girl daughter. What is the big deal? It is almost virtually impossible to find a bra that will stay on your body and not be visible when more and more shirts and dresses are showing your whole back. Bras without backs (or else known as "sticky boobs") suck; I don't care if they are taped up- after two and a half hours in the club, sweating, and sudden movements, that thing is not going to stay on. Furthermore, the option of going braless with these backless tops is slim to none for some (especially small-busted females) because it would make it look like two bee stings rather than actual boobs.

Thirdly, who thought it was a good idea to mimic Hannibal Lector's bodysuit when they designed the bra? Let me tell you something, spending 12 hours in a bra every single day is not the most comfortable thing in the world. Picking them out is like picking out the perfect pair of jeans- there is only one that you actually really like. Most of them feel as if they are squeezing your sides together, paired with the wrong t-shirt they constantly ride up, causing you to always have to push down your cleavage or pull up your shirt to cover up the pads that are poking out.

They should come up with a holiday where all women don't wear bras. It will be a set day on the calendar, everyone will know about it and women will be able to move freely and without constraint doing their everyday activities. They won't have to worry about pulling straps up, crude indentions on their sides or even about a guy's ability to successfully unhook their bra. And that my friends, is my true Utopia.

Burn bra, burn. 

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