Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Best of Craigslist: Issue III









It's 12.12.12...let's celebrate by making fun of America's funniest Craigslisters. 

1. Female only! Ill pay you to give you a massage. (HB)
Ill pay you $50 to give you a massage.
Please reply with picture. 

What? How does this make sense? I know that I don't get massages often but I'm pretty sure the person getting the massage is the one who is supposed to pay the massager. Are you just an awful masseuse? Or is "massage" a codeword for something that I am unaware of? Like if I just wanted a massage on my elbows, would you accept?

Also, I think it's odd that they wanted a female only and asked for a picture. Are only attractive people allowed massages? Or am I looking at this completely wrong and you simply just need to know what kind of surface you are dealing with?

2. PREDATOR IS BACK (SAN GABRIEL VALLEY)
THIS MAN HAS SOME REALLY SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS AND IS MOST LIKELY PSYCHOTIC. BEWARE IF YOU REPLY TO HIS AD. HE WANTS A WOMEN TO COME TO HIS HOUSE, CLEAN IT IN THE NUDE, WHILE HE WATCHES AND RUNS HIS STUFF BY HAND. HE IS A PREDATOR AND A REALLY SICK PUPPY (NO INSULT TO DOGS MEANT), .AND THEN....... THERE IS THE OTHER TERROR WITH HIM. HE IS AGGRESSIVE, A MIDGET/DWARF, A BLACK PERSON WITH HORRIBLE BODY ODOR. HIS AD IS UNDER GIGS AND DOMESTIC GIGS AND IT READS sitter (sgv)
Date: 2012-12-05, 8:42AM PST
rpz29-3457073565@gigs.craigslist.org[?]
seeking massage and companion for three da a week two hrs per day
20.00 perhr call 626 765 9403 I know there al kinds posting abot me but threr other
ads the same PostingID:3457073565.
FLAG, FLAG, FLAG!!!!!

Some of the most hilarious posts on Craigslist are the ones that call other people out. This one sounds like the title of a thriller– cue Phantom of the Opera theme song. Now, I realize that you had a bad experience– I really do (considering your of all caps), but I just can't help but think this is funny.

To be fair to the guy, I could guess that he was a psycho from his ad alone. I mean just look at it! It's filled with red flags! There's a million spelling errors, he even warns you that there are "al kinds posting abot me," and the only excuse he can give is that there are other ads that are doing the same thing. He doesn't even outright deny that the postings are about him! If you can't tell that there's something that is not all there and still respond to the ad, then you need to raise your job standards.

My favorite part? "He is a really sick puppy (no insult to dogs meant)."


3. Awesome stuff when your high We are looking to interview people about awesome stuff/places to go when you are high. Do you get high? Would you like to share some of your awesome blasted experiences with the rest of the world. Hit us up. 

What kind of operation are you running here? Is this a documentary? Maybe a YouTube series? Was this perhaps inspired by Colorado and Washington getting permission to smoke it up? Are you jealous that California wasn't included? I'm sure all of us were.

What I want to know is what people say in the interview. What is the ultimate place to go for a pothead? Los Angeles is filled with interesting places. Magic Castle, perhaps? I'm sure all the magic tricks would seem even more supernatural on some Mary Jane. The Hollywood Sign would also be a good one, or as close as you can get to it anyways.

I wonder what they'll call the series of interviews when they're done, if anything. The Weed Diaries perhaps? 

4. Beautiful women with pretty feet needed-

We are searching for foot models for a popular fetish site. Models can make a 1000.00 / week without leaving home. Very flexible. Please contact with photo. 

Easiest. Job. Ever. Seriously, all I need is one pedicure and I could just make money by submitting photos of my toes. What I don't get is the title– "Beautiful women"? That doesn't matter considering the only body parts that you are concerned with is below their ankles, right?  And what qualifies as "pretty feet" anyways? Like no toe should be longer than the big toe? No crooked digits or chipped nail polish? 

What I really want is for Big Foot to submit a photo. That would be the biggest irony of all. 

5. Do you shake you booty well? (Los Angeles)
Then why not get paid to do so.
We are starting a booty shaking website with big money making opportunity.
Send head shots,full body shots,and short shaking video.
(if you do not send these you will not be considered for the site)
All Ethnics Okay
Nudity is Okay in the photos and video.
If your video is good we will set-up a way to pay you from the views you get on the website as well
(this means you can make money monthly from you video posts). 

I want to proofread this so bad. Really, I should start up an editing business just for Craigslist users alone. I would have so many clients. That aside, since when did twerking becoming the new online fetish? What constitutes as shaking your booty well? I mean shaking it at a club for two or three hours is enough credibility to make me an expert...right? 

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